How To Open A Coconut

Fuck. You’re stuck on a deserted island. In an ironic twist of fate, you are surrounded by the ocean, water as far as the eye can see and you can’t drink any of it. You’ll die of thirst long before you die of hunger. Here’s a tip that may just save your life.

Of course you could just take the coconut and slam it against a wall of rock. That should do the trick, but then you’ll lose all the juice inside. Fun to do, but defeats the purpose of opening the damn thing.

First, hold the coconut in one hand with the tip at one end and the “eyes” at the other. If you were lucky enough to have a bowl or some kind of container wash ashore with you, hold the coconut over it.

Find a blunt instrument. The back of a knife, a heavy stone, your forehead, and bang the coconut around its center. Rotate the coconut as you do it until it gently starts to split open. Pour the juice into the bowl or straight down your mouth. Once you have drained the juice out, you can continue beating on the coconut and split it open to get at the flesh on the inside.

Repeat with as many coconuts as necessary until you are rescued by hot sexy naked mermaids, or until you start talking to a volleyball. At that point, it’s time to start thinking about diving off a cliff.